Postpartum Blues

Guys can take the time out to stare at a hot girls ass, to tell a girl they are a 9 of 10, flirt with girls but can't take the time out to tell their girlfriend and mother of their child she looks pretty. Even when the girlfriend is up all night with a screaming baby and lets him sleep. Starves herself so he and the baby can eat. Starves herself to lose the baby weight and eats nasty tasteless shit to lose weight and impress him. Puts on makeup to try and make him look at her the same way he did two years ago. and he doesn't even notice or care like he used to. He used to notice if i cut my hair, did my eyebrows, painted my nails. Now? Nothing. Postpartum has hit me hard and I have been trying my hardest to get back to the old me. To impress him. To make him say I look good or pretty or dare I hope to hear beautiful. But those words are long gone. I'm not pretty to him. I'm not beautiful to him. I don't look good to him. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel dumpy. Im trying as best i can to lose this extra fat while balancing everything else and deal with raging post pregnancy hormones. But he calls all of that excuses and says he hasn't been happy with me since the baby was born. Says that my cancer is just an excuse I use because I am always tired and never feel well. I am starting to really hate my life. All I want is for just once to hear im pretty. Or some sort of compliment other than a generic "looks good" when he didn't even look. Its just been a rough month and a half in new mommy days.

As I Promised

As I promised, here is my first part of my pregnancy memoirs.

My boyfriend and I moved in to our apartment in February. Before we did, my mother had a mother daughter heart-to-heart about living with him. It went a little something like this
             "I was thinking, you should probably start taking birth control because you don't want to be bringing life into this world yet"
So heartfelt, I know.

So when we first moved in, I was still at my fast food job so money was tight. I got a new job at a new place that paid better (even though money is still tight for unnecessary reasons!) And was waiting for my first real check from there to get birth control. Well that check came, but that period didn't so now here we are months later and a growing baby girl or so I'm told.

We weren't sure if we were going to keep her since due to health reasons I'm really high risk. But so far so good I guess.

Side note, my phone doesn't automatically correct my grammar like my old one does so forgive me for any errors that are out of the ordinary for me.

Im due on my birthday, December 9 but I keep getting the feeling she will be here around Thanksgiving. Being a mom is a scary thing to think about. For a few different reasons.

-We've been together not as long as I would like to have been for us having a baby
-Were not married or engaged
-I love my boyfriend but i still have my doubts
-Trust issues more than just about him cheating on me
-The normal "are we ready for this" and I am prepared for the "well you should have kept your legs closed" nonsense
-Our past

We have been together for a while. But not long enough for me to want a baby. Sure I've thought about it. You're with someone long enough, those thoughts come up. But I'm talking like 5 years.

It's 2013. You don't need to be married to have a baby. Is the idea of having a husband, a dog, two kids, a big house with a white picket fence surrounding a big yard for your kids to play in and you to grow old in and someday pass down yo your children as they carry on the family legacy in the perfect little Stepford cookie cutter community attractive? Of course it is. Im not saying sleep around and have a bunch of babies either. Im just saying we aren't in the days where we must be married and get our husbands permission to go to the store anymore. We don't have to be married to have a baby. But don't get me wrong, it would be nice.

I love my boyfriend. But i still have my doubts. Number one being are we ready for this. Followed closely by how will we take care of her. And how will we afford this. Since our lovely government thinks that people are bullshitting about being broke and wont help people who actually need it. But it seems like to me, people who don't need the help get it just fine. I guess that's what being as crooked as our government gets you. Can I count on him? What will happen when im out on maternity leave? So many questions are flowing constantly thru my mind.

Trust issues are a biggie. Sometimes in a persons life, they fall into a hard place or time, fall in with the wrong crowd, fall into hard stressful times, etc. Sometimes when this happens, things like addiction come into play. In my boyfriends case, it was a stress thing. I wont say to what because that's his business. But it happened. If he is being truthful, he has been clean for a few months now. And if he is being truthful I am proud of him. But sometimes I have my doubts. Like when money goes missing. Or gas gets used like crazy. Or when he is with certain people we know. I'm not sure what to do or think or if its even worth the fight. When I'm at work, is he talking to other girls again? If he is he will lie about it. His phone is under my plan so i could have it unlocked and search it. But I'm terrified about what I might find in there. Is he telling me one thing and doing another? Ill never know. And it kills me. In our past, we did separate and yes, it was him going for his ex. It was a horrible time for me. Watching him go day to day happy with someone else. Someone who did him wrong. Someone who didn't deserve him. Someone who used him. Someone who single handedly ruined both of our lives forever. Someone who he disrespected me by sneaking to talk to at my house while he was supposed to be spending time with me using my internet and my laptop and lying about it. Someone who no matter how hard i try i feel like I can't get him away from. I need to stop now before I start rambling on about this ungrateful female even more.

So yes, this is the first installment of my pregnancy memoirs as I said. As I sit here in our one recliner typing this on my cellphones tiny on screen keyboard while this little brat kicks me like my bladder is a soccer ball and my cats are having a twin death match next to me and a head full of questions and worries, I feel a little better by getting this out there. There are some things i can't say on here for privacy reasons. There are some things I can't say on here because people i know read this and I am already an un wed mother. I don't need any more judgement. But for the things i can say, the release of those from inside my head is an amazing relief that I am so thankful for.

Love always, Viktorius and mini me.

It's ALIVE!

Well i've been gone for a while and here's what's been going on in a short re cap...

I got a new boyfriend
We live together
I got two cats
I also got pregnant
My dog died
And I got a new job (wish i could say where)

I don't have internet at my place sadly and things have just started to settle down for me. I want you guys to know  that I am still here and now will be trying to post more. It will be from my phone so bear with me I would much rather type on an actual keyboard but beggars can't be choosers I guess.

So while I was in the shower today I got to thinking about how my body is changing with this pregnancy. Which, by the way, I will go into more detail about later. I have two friends that are also new moms that I go to for advice. I had some questions about tenderness in certain areas and was trying to figure out which friend to talk to about that. Then it got me thinking, I sort of have a list of who to call for what issue I have, and I'm kind of wondering if anyone else has this mental list. So, without further ado (is that how you spell that...) here's my list of friends designated for certain issues.

Mommy friends-the girls and fellow moms I go to for mommy and personal issues also works for boyfriend complaints

Medical advisers-for when you are too lazy and/or cheap to go to the doctor

Uppity friends-the people who you know will eventually piss you off with something they say but you still talk to them anyway and love them eventho you want to slap the shit out of them

Bitchy friends- the people who bitch more than you eventho you are six months pregnant and they are either spoiled or bring the situation upon themselves. Also friends who need to be slapped (see uppity friends)

Rich friends- always wanting to get you to go out and spend money to hang out eventho this is a recession and well, aint no body got time for that

Want to be rich friends- almost the same as rich friends but these people want you to pay for everything

Work friends- people you only see at work and the occasional facebook post. The common phrase used with these people is "yea we should totally hang out". Spoiler alert, you never will

Childhood friends-the people you can tell anything to no matter what and they still won't judge you. You need these people because face it, your a hot mess and these people know it and still love you like family

First of the month friends- these are the friends that only call when they need money. Usually for something unnecessary that will piss you off. These people think that your just dumb and wont notice that they only call when they need or want something and if you cant deliver they magically disappear like we actually miss them because spoiler alert, we don't

And

Frenemies- you love this person but you also love to hate this person. You envy them sometimes they envy you too but you both just communicate under a thin layer of mutual cattyness and bitch to your poor boyfriend who did nothing to deserve being dragged into this drama all he wants is a peanut butter sandwich and some milk  

Well, that's my list (so far) of friends i have. I wonder if I'm the only one with this problem...

I will try to be back and post more. This would be so much easier with a computer but oh well. It does feel good to be back though and get some of what's on my mind out there.

I haven't been sleeping much so maybe this will help. I guess i should try and get some sleep since i do have to work tomorrow. But Lord knows that between my bed hog boyfriend, gymnast baby and obnoxious inconsiderate snoring cats, sleep is a foreign word to me. Almost the way that common sense is in teenagers. That's all for now. Love you guys!