As I promised, here is my first part of my pregnancy memoirs.
My boyfriend and I moved in to our apartment in February. Before we did, my mother had a mother daughter heart-to-heart about living with him. It went a little something like this
"I was thinking, you should probably start taking birth control because you don't want to be bringing life into this world yet"
So heartfelt, I know.
So when we first moved in, I was still at my fast food job so money was tight. I got a new job at a new place that paid better (even though money is still tight for unnecessary reasons!) And was waiting for my first real check from there to get birth control. Well that check came, but that period didn't so now here we are months later and a growing baby girl or so I'm told.
We weren't sure if we were going to keep her since due to health reasons I'm really high risk. But so far so good I guess.
Side note, my phone doesn't automatically correct my grammar like my old one does so forgive me for any errors that are out of the ordinary for me.
Im due on my birthday, December 9 but I keep getting the feeling she will be here around Thanksgiving. Being a mom is a scary thing to think about. For a few different reasons.
-We've been together not as long as I would like to have been for us having a baby
-Were not married or engaged
-I love my boyfriend but i still have my doubts
-Trust issues more than just about him cheating on me
-The normal "are we ready for this" and I am prepared for the "well you should have kept your legs closed" nonsense
We have been together for a while. But not long enough for me to want a baby. Sure I've thought about it. You're with someone long enough, those thoughts come up. But I'm talking like 5 years.
It's 2013. You don't need to be married to have a baby. Is the idea of having a husband, a dog, two kids, a big house with a white picket fence surrounding a big yard for your kids to play in and you to grow old in and someday pass down yo your children as they carry on the family legacy in the perfect little Stepford cookie cutter community attractive? Of course it is. Im not saying sleep around and have a bunch of babies either. Im just saying we aren't in the days where we must be married and get our husbands permission to go to the store anymore. We don't have to be married to have a baby. But don't get me wrong, it would be nice.
I love my boyfriend. But i still have my doubts. Number one being are we ready for this. Followed closely by how will we take care of her. And how will we afford this. Since our lovely government thinks that people are bullshitting about being broke and wont help people who actually need it. But it seems like to me, people who don't need the help get it just fine. I guess that's what being as crooked as our government gets you. Can I count on him? What will happen when im out on maternity leave? So many questions are flowing constantly thru my mind.
Trust issues are a biggie. Sometimes in a persons life, they fall into a hard place or time, fall in with the wrong crowd, fall into hard stressful times, etc. Sometimes when this happens, things like addiction come into play. In my boyfriends case, it was a stress thing. I wont say to what because that's his business. But it happened. If he is being truthful, he has been clean for a few months now. And if he is being truthful I am proud of him. But sometimes I have my doubts. Like when money goes missing. Or gas gets used like crazy. Or when he is with certain people we know. I'm not sure what to do or think or if its even worth the fight. When I'm at work, is he talking to other girls again? If he is he will lie about it. His phone is under my plan so i could have it unlocked and search it. But I'm terrified about what I might find in there. Is he telling me one thing and doing another? Ill never know. And it kills me. In our past, we did separate and yes, it was him going for his ex. It was a horrible time for me. Watching him go day to day happy with someone else. Someone who did him wrong. Someone who didn't deserve him. Someone who used him. Someone who single handedly ruined both of our lives forever. Someone who he disrespected me by sneaking to talk to at my house while he was supposed to be spending time with me using my internet and my laptop and lying about it. Someone who no matter how hard i try i feel like I can't get him away from. I need to stop now before I start rambling on about this ungrateful female even more.
So yes, this is the first installment of my pregnancy memoirs as I said. As I sit here in our one recliner typing this on my cellphones tiny on screen keyboard while this little brat kicks me like my bladder is a soccer ball and my cats are having a twin death match next to me and a head full of questions and worries, I feel a little better by getting this out there. There are some things i can't say on here for privacy reasons. There are some things I can't say on here because people i know read this and I am already an un wed mother. I don't need any more judgement. But for the things i can say, the release of those from inside my head is an amazing relief that I am so thankful for.
Love always, Viktorius and mini me.