Postpartum Blues

Guys can take the time out to stare at a hot girls ass, to tell a girl they are a 9 of 10, flirt with girls but can't take the time out to tell their girlfriend and mother of their child she looks pretty. Even when the girlfriend is up all night with a screaming baby and lets him sleep. Starves herself so he and the baby can eat. Starves herself to lose the baby weight and eats nasty tasteless shit to lose weight and impress him. Puts on makeup to try and make him look at her the same way he did two years ago. and he doesn't even notice or care like he used to. He used to notice if i cut my hair, did my eyebrows, painted my nails. Now? Nothing. Postpartum has hit me hard and I have been trying my hardest to get back to the old me. To impress him. To make him say I look good or pretty or dare I hope to hear beautiful. But those words are long gone. I'm not pretty to him. I'm not beautiful to him. I don't look good to him. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel dumpy. Im trying as best i can to lose this extra fat while balancing everything else and deal with raging post pregnancy hormones. But he calls all of that excuses and says he hasn't been happy with me since the baby was born. Says that my cancer is just an excuse I use because I am always tired and never feel well. I am starting to really hate my life. All I want is for just once to hear im pretty. Or some sort of compliment other than a generic "looks good" when he didn't even look. Its just been a rough month and a half in new mommy days.

For Real Moments With Vikster: Twerking Edition

Now that I am a mom, I have something I would like to point out. It's becoming an epidemic and it's only a matter of time until we all are exposed and infected.

I'm talking about twerking y'all.

Thanks to classy bitches like Miley Cyrus twerking is becoming more and more popular. And not everyone can twerk. Not everyone SHOULD twerk. And dont get me started on wall twerks.

Now if your out with your girls at the club, or guys we don't judge here, and you feel the twerge (twerk and urge. You like it? No...ok) to get up and break it down. Maybe you've had a couple to a few too many drinks and the song that's playing is really speaking to your soul (The Lady Gaga can do that to you). Then by all means, work it girl! (Or guy, remember we don't judge) but do it like you would in Vegas meaning what happens in the club, stays in the club. Don't take pictures and post them all over social media sites. And do NOT video that shit.

Wall twerks. Have you seen those? If yoi haven't, YouTube that shit. It is when you get into handstand position and, well, twerk. Do you know how many stupid bitches have been sent to the hospital injured due to a wall twerk gone wrong? Don't try it drunk, don't try it sober. Just don't do it.

The moral of this story is that twerking, whether on the ground or on a wall, whether black, white, pink, or purple, whether male or female needs to be left in the club in the dark where no one will remember you the next morning over their hangover. 

Twerking, just don't do it. What would your grandma say?

So Now What

So as many of you know, the government has officially been shut down for God knows how long. I have been following this but am still not completely clear on the details, but from what I understand this is what's going on

Now that the black democrat president has passed his version of health care, also known as "Obamacare" the republicans are throwing a temper tantrum to try and bully their opinion, which is against Obamacare. The president isn't going for it so Lord only knows how long this will last.

Now as far as Obamacare goes, I have no problem with it. I guess my multiple medical issues that have put me thousands of dollars in debt and ruined my credit have made me soft. Who knows.

As far as the republicans, they are only a small step above the tea party, who I can not STAND, in my book. They need to quit crying and quit trying to figure out various devious ways to get Obeezy out of office and just shut up and accept it and patiently wait for this last term to end so that a new liar can take over office. Did I say liar, I'm sorry I meant...well hell they all lie.

With this shut down I don't really know what they expect to happen other than screwing us little people over even more than we already are. But then why would they care? It isn't like they think about us in their big fancy houses on their tempurpedic mattresses while sipping on wine and talking to Siri on their brand new iPad about how to continue fucking people's lives up.

Well, we will see how long this lasts and where things go from here. Until then, yeezus help us all.

When to Stop Because We Love You

There is a certain point where no matter how much you love a person, you have to tell them "NO".

I believe that addition is a disease. It's something that even the strongest people need help to overcome.

And getting that help doesn't make you weak or pathetic. It doesn't make you look bad. It shows that you know you have a problem and you are taking the time to go thru the steps to fix it. It says that you want a better life. It says you are ready for a lifestyle change towards the good.

Now I also agree that admitting you have a problem is the first step. But there's a difference between admitting you have a problem because you want to change and admitting you have a problem and not giving a shit about it.

Addiction impacts not just you but the people around you who love you.

I wish that someone could invent a time machine. That way I could go back and slap the shit out of whoever started taking prescription medicine for recreational use instead of for its actual purpose.

The impact it has on the individual is bad enough. Withdrawal including deadly withdrawal, overdosing, lying to you loved ones, using your loved ones, stealing from your loved ones and anyone else that you can, debt, giving yourself a record from robbing or breaking and entering. The list goes on and on. Then you have the family and friends who are out of who knows how much money and can never trust you again no matter how hard they want to.

I don't do drugs. I have more important things to spend my money on. And most of the people i know who do them are always going to. When I ask them why they do it, they answer for fun. I know grown ass people with children who still can't live without their buzz. I know people who know they have a problem and don't care. And I know people in denial. Drugs tear families apart. They make you lie and they make it so that no matter how hard I try, I can't trust you. You can't make someone stop what they are doing wrong if they don't want to stop and if they are lying to themselves about their problem.

I'm just going to end this here before I get even more personal. But this is a very touchy subject to me. I just wish i knew how to help this person before its too late. Every time i try, they deny it but the signs are still there Because I love them so so much and it kills me to see this and know this every day but this person will never know that or how I feel. I just wish i could help. I just wish they wanted help. I need help to help them before I lose them forever to either the justice system or the grim reaper.

If you are reading this, never give up on trying to help someone you know who is using no matter what drug of choice it is. I know I won't but I also don't know how to help.

And if you are a user and your reading this, please get help. Your family and friends love you so much more than you will ever know and want to help and see you get better. And if you are using because you don't have family or friends, then just know that I love you and I would love for you to get clean. If no one else does, I love you and think your life is worth being clean for.

Hunger Games Review

Now I know that this book series has been out for a while and I actually did start reading it a while ago but within the last 2 weeks I have finished the last two books.

I loved the first book. In fact I actually couldn't put it down. It kept me interested and left me wanting more. Not a big fan of the movie but the nooks are always better.

The second one was a bit of a slow start for me. But by the end of it I was so excited for this next movie to come out even though I am sure that it will be a letdown as well. I couldn't wait to get my hands on the last one.

Having just finished the last one...I must say I'm actually left disappointed. All the people you grow to love die, she doesn't end up with the guy I would have liked her to end up with, and the ending just seems so...bare. Like it's missing something. I'm not sure how exactly I would have liked for this series to end but I know it is far different from how it actually ended.

I will still see the movies and my opinion of who she should have ended up with won't change. I also stand by my decision that although the last fight scene was good, the end of the story felt rushed and I was not a fan of the epilogue. This may be extremely fueled by my disappointment in the direction the plot went.

In the end I would say I ranked this series a 3 out of 5. I loved the first two books started out liking the third but was disappointed with the deaths, unhappily ever after (my opinion) and the overall "I need to end this, this sounds good" aka "rushed" feeling I got.

Always A Surprise, Never A Shock

From Lady Gaga in a G-string to Taylor Swifts catty side, this years VMAs didn't stray from the usual element of surprise.

This year Lady Gaga opened with a somewhat normal performance ending with her in a g-string and sea shell bra. Taylor Swift accepted an award after Kanye West performed and made it all the way thru her speech the first time. NSYNC reunited during JTs performance and then broke all our hearts by announcing they will not be touring.

But the one performance that still has everyone talking is Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke. Miley was one of the first performers of the night with her...um....hit...? song We Can't Stop in a teddy bear leotard. From dry humping teddy bears to twerking, this no longer tween pop sensation let it all hang out there while waving around a giant foam finger with red nails using it as dare i say her penis while she obscenely gestured to the crowd.

Cut from that to Robin Thicke coming out and her singing a verse from his song Blurred Lines now in a nude latex bikini, rubbing her foam finger on his crotch and backing it up on him as she bent over and did what she does best twerk and stick her tounge out.

Robin stayed professional with a neutral expression. The crowd on the other hand didn't bother hiding how they felt. With varying expressions of disgust, confusion, embarrassment, pity and indifference the resulting crowd shots are hilarious. Even Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift who started off supportive ended up with the same look of shock and disgust.

Now Miley, i get it. You are 20 now, you've broken out of the wholesome Disney chains and want to prove your no longer little Hannah Montana and be an adult. Hilary Duff did it, Selena Gomez is doing it, hell even Kevin Jonas got married and was upgraded to the world of the E! network. But there are other ways then prancing around shaking your ass in a bikini on national television.

Although it does sound like I am trying to be a hater,I'm not. But you can't really make a song about popping Molly, cocaine in a bathroom, twerking and shaking it like your in a strip club and how its all ok because only God can judge you, and think we as a public will A, take you seriously. And B, not call you names like skank, whore, trash, etc.

We all are aware that you can't stop and won't stop, but we are still holding hope that you will. The same way we know this was "just a performance" but you don't see other singers doing this. Well except 2chainz and all his "big booty hoes". As much as you don't care what people think, there has to be a part of you that does. As Snooki said, maybe your just going thru your Xtina "dirty days" or having a Lindsay Lohan/Amanda Bynes moment. Or maybe you are just being Miley. But one day you will be married (Hopefully to Liam if he still wants to because I know I'd be coming home with a VMA and no fiance) with kids and you will have all this to haunt you.

As I Promised

As I promised, here is my first part of my pregnancy memoirs.

My boyfriend and I moved in to our apartment in February. Before we did, my mother had a mother daughter heart-to-heart about living with him. It went a little something like this
             "I was thinking, you should probably start taking birth control because you don't want to be bringing life into this world yet"
So heartfelt, I know.

So when we first moved in, I was still at my fast food job so money was tight. I got a new job at a new place that paid better (even though money is still tight for unnecessary reasons!) And was waiting for my first real check from there to get birth control. Well that check came, but that period didn't so now here we are months later and a growing baby girl or so I'm told.

We weren't sure if we were going to keep her since due to health reasons I'm really high risk. But so far so good I guess.

Side note, my phone doesn't automatically correct my grammar like my old one does so forgive me for any errors that are out of the ordinary for me.

Im due on my birthday, December 9 but I keep getting the feeling she will be here around Thanksgiving. Being a mom is a scary thing to think about. For a few different reasons.

-We've been together not as long as I would like to have been for us having a baby
-Were not married or engaged
-I love my boyfriend but i still have my doubts
-Trust issues more than just about him cheating on me
-The normal "are we ready for this" and I am prepared for the "well you should have kept your legs closed" nonsense
-Our past

We have been together for a while. But not long enough for me to want a baby. Sure I've thought about it. You're with someone long enough, those thoughts come up. But I'm talking like 5 years.

It's 2013. You don't need to be married to have a baby. Is the idea of having a husband, a dog, two kids, a big house with a white picket fence surrounding a big yard for your kids to play in and you to grow old in and someday pass down yo your children as they carry on the family legacy in the perfect little Stepford cookie cutter community attractive? Of course it is. Im not saying sleep around and have a bunch of babies either. Im just saying we aren't in the days where we must be married and get our husbands permission to go to the store anymore. We don't have to be married to have a baby. But don't get me wrong, it would be nice.

I love my boyfriend. But i still have my doubts. Number one being are we ready for this. Followed closely by how will we take care of her. And how will we afford this. Since our lovely government thinks that people are bullshitting about being broke and wont help people who actually need it. But it seems like to me, people who don't need the help get it just fine. I guess that's what being as crooked as our government gets you. Can I count on him? What will happen when im out on maternity leave? So many questions are flowing constantly thru my mind.

Trust issues are a biggie. Sometimes in a persons life, they fall into a hard place or time, fall in with the wrong crowd, fall into hard stressful times, etc. Sometimes when this happens, things like addiction come into play. In my boyfriends case, it was a stress thing. I wont say to what because that's his business. But it happened. If he is being truthful, he has been clean for a few months now. And if he is being truthful I am proud of him. But sometimes I have my doubts. Like when money goes missing. Or gas gets used like crazy. Or when he is with certain people we know. I'm not sure what to do or think or if its even worth the fight. When I'm at work, is he talking to other girls again? If he is he will lie about it. His phone is under my plan so i could have it unlocked and search it. But I'm terrified about what I might find in there. Is he telling me one thing and doing another? Ill never know. And it kills me. In our past, we did separate and yes, it was him going for his ex. It was a horrible time for me. Watching him go day to day happy with someone else. Someone who did him wrong. Someone who didn't deserve him. Someone who used him. Someone who single handedly ruined both of our lives forever. Someone who he disrespected me by sneaking to talk to at my house while he was supposed to be spending time with me using my internet and my laptop and lying about it. Someone who no matter how hard i try i feel like I can't get him away from. I need to stop now before I start rambling on about this ungrateful female even more.

So yes, this is the first installment of my pregnancy memoirs as I said. As I sit here in our one recliner typing this on my cellphones tiny on screen keyboard while this little brat kicks me like my bladder is a soccer ball and my cats are having a twin death match next to me and a head full of questions and worries, I feel a little better by getting this out there. There are some things i can't say on here for privacy reasons. There are some things I can't say on here because people i know read this and I am already an un wed mother. I don't need any more judgement. But for the things i can say, the release of those from inside my head is an amazing relief that I am so thankful for.

Love always, Viktorius and mini me.